50 FUN THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR

For all those cityfolks out there who are already bored with their house-office-house routine. Here's something to spiced up your life. If you do one of these things, please let me know, okay?

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occassionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
32. Sing Barney songs
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Ask each passenger if they are a virgin.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "bad touch."

Belated Happy Valentines People! 

BIRTHDAY BOY

There used to be a time when my parents would throw a party for me in celebration of my birthday. It ended, however, as circumstances changed. That was when I have two younger sisters already and the economic situation has become difficult. I still celebrate my birthday after that, but it is different from the pictures below.


On my third birdthday with My late father, my elder sis and my mom (I do not have any memory of this party. I was three!, the picture has become my memory). 


Trying to be a model on my fourth birthday. 


Blowing the candles on my pinochio inspired cake on my 5th birthday. 


The guests on my 5th birthday party. 


Cutting my robot cake on my sixth birthday. 


My cake on my 8th birthday party. And the throwing of party ends here. 

I don't have a picture of my seventh birthday party. I remember celebrating it in my senior kindergarten class and my mom forgot to bring the camera.

* * *

I am 29 year old now. One more year before I turn 30. I don't know, there must be something about 30 that makes people dread about that age? As for me, however, I still feel that I am young. Your age may add every year, but your heart can always stay young forever. Youth is a state of mind. (Hahahahahaha. I am actually convincing myself!)

But I am happy now. At 29, I am back in law school and I lost weight already. I made this promise on my 27th birthyday and it is only last year that I was able to fulfill it. I am actually looking forward, with optimism, for the years ahead.

PHOTOGRAPHS AND MEMORIES

I suddenly had the urged the other Sunday to clean my closet. Thank goodness I did not find some skeletons there (har har!), but I've found some old photos that I brought with me from Dumaguete. So as promised to Her Majesty Queen KK, I scanned some of them and here they are.


The tWS 96-97 Gang. I would declare that this is batch is one of the best batch of the Weekly Sillimanian. This the batch that surely made their presences felt not only in Silliman, but also in the larger community called Dumaguete. 


The Vice Presidential Choir. Aldwyn, Johnard and Me (not in photo was Raffy). These guys became my goodfriends after the 1997 SUSG Election where I ran and won as Vice President. We call ourselves Vice Presidential Choir because of the unfortunate incident when Wilma and I agree to serenade Dr. Pulido on his birthday, only these people and She-she Sitoy accompanied us. I will forever be thankful to these friends for standing with me during my rough times as VP of the SUSG. I miss Johnard and Raffy, I wonder how are they right now? This photo was taken after the Doltz Ball.


Talking about Doltz Ball, here's a picture of me and my date, Janice. This is not our first date, on Valentines Day that year, we had a date at Park Theater watching Romeo and Juliet (the film which starred Leonardo de Caprio). The date and the movie ticket was courtesy of KK (remember that KK?). I had a big crush on Janice at that time and with the help of Joana Utzurrum, they we're able to arrange a blind date with me and Janice on Valentines Day. That was part of the activity of tWS where we had a manito/manita on Valentines Day with the objective of making your manito/manita happy on Valentines Day. 


This is the 1995 All-Unversity Extemporaneous Speaking Contest. One of the highlights of my College Life. Why? becuase I won First Place! (yabang!). Right hand most is Jamil Zoobi of the College of Business Administration, Dinah Baseleres of A/S, Nicel Dinoy of High School, Jayson Alcantara of CBA (third place), Best Friend (hehehehe) Rowena Reformina of Nursing (second place,remeber the loook on her face when she was called as second placer only? hehehehe), I forgot the name of PT representative, Ian Caballes of Music, and Tonette Lim of the College of Engineering.(not in the Photo was Beth Castillo who at that time was already preparing her speech) 


Talking about Extemporaneous Speaking Contest, a year before that, I joined the Annual Extemporaneous Contest sponsored by the English Department, I placed second to Wilma Famoso who later on became the President of SUSG and I was her VP. This was supposed to be our Portal Picture. 

If you can't open the pictures, see it here.

BITCHY LETTERS!

I love reading letters most especially if they are well written and their being bitchy is with class. Like this letter of Danton Remoto (do I need to tell you who he is?) published in one of the yahoo groups:

Dear Angmokio,

Since you asked, I will tell you.

Yes, the very intelligent management of Redline, composed of Dodong Rivera, who sends entertainers to Japan and owns a girlie bar and a gay bar, and Genesis Gallios, who was fired from Fahrenheit, said "my services are no longer needed" as of January 3, 2005.

Why?

1. I questioned their insistence on having too many almost-pornographic pictures of men. I said time and again that if gay men want porn, they can always go to the Internet. Not at my expense. I know Article 201 of the Revised Penal Code like the back of my hand, the code that penalizes magazines that "arouse the prurient interest of readers."

The text-picture ratio was supposed to be 50-50. They changed it to 70-30 in favor of photos. They violated the editorial independence that was my only requirement for joining them in October 2004. My friends in the Makati ad agencies said their clients want to advertise, but not when there is pubic hair galore on the pages of the magazine.

2. They treat gay and lesbian issues in such a shallow fashion. I had to fight for the coverage of the Pride March. I had to fight for the inclusion of articles on lesbian issues. To quote the great Genesis, who should instead be called Apocalypse, when one customer on the phone asked what the magazine contains: "Ang magasin ay may lamang tumpok-tumpok na titi." I rest my case.

3. Time and again, I asked them to provide me with a National Census and Statistics Office certification that some of the models are above 18 years old. They did not do this. Violation of this requirement that models should be 18 and above is an act punishable by law.

4. I warned them they are going on a financial hemorrhage. Under Mr. Gallios as VP, the magazine has spent P2 million on two issues. The usual expense should be P500,000 for one issue. Therfore, P2 million should have published four issues. How do I know? I have an M.A. in Publishing from the University of Stirling in the UK, and I have edited the weekend magazines of the Philippine Daily Inquirer and the Manila Times. I was also the Director of the Research and Publication Office of Ateneo for ten years, which published 200 books and journals.

5. Before me, two people in Advertising resigned; one in Talent Management; and my beloved Art Director. They went to the best schools--UP, Ateneo, De La Salle. My Art Director worked with a top company in Kuala Lumpur. I had taught in the US. But Mr. Gallios--a third-year, high school dropout who thinks globalization is the same as global warming--treats us with disrespect.

6. Now, their website for Campus Face Philippines shows UST, CEU and UE beside pictures of half-naked men. Even the good doctor of the Catholic Church, St. Thomas of Aquinas, has a statue placed beside a half-naked boy, making it appear that the contest is an official activity of the universities. The officials of these universities are now complaining, and I am sure Redline will get some official letters in the next few days.

Therefore, I ask our friends in the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender community to BOYCOTT L Magazine and BOYCOTT Mr. Campus Face Philippines on Feb 2. I have been with gay groups since 1991, and only now have I met such callous people who think they can treat us in such a reckless fashion.

Not anymore, not now, not here. Let us not give our hard-earned money to people who do not help, but only oppress us.

Many thanks,

Danton Remoto
Associate Professor of English and Creative Writing
Ateneo de Manila University

Columnist, Art and Culture, Philippine STAR

Founder, Ang LUNDUYAN